The pain. Oh god, so much pain…
The pain. Oh god, so much pain…
She squeezes her eyes shut and shudders.
Was it actually all worth it? In these past months she has felt more pain than she had in her life. And it was all because she cared. She had told herself time and time again that caring only brings pain. For most of her life it had been easy. She hadn’t even found anyone she was tempted to care about. Instead she wondered the country, exploiting and hurting other people for her own amusement and she had never once felt guilty.
But now she had experienced guilt. Her.
The guilt was the least of her pain. She didn’t feel it for her past actions. She didn’t feel it for anything she was going to do to people. They don’t matter; they are annoying and stupid.
No, she only felt guilt for hurting the person who caused her pain. The one she loved. Love. She loved someone. Silente. Silente Tempest. The one person in the whole world she actually liked.
Ever since they met there’s been so much pain…
Her breathing quickens, almost hyperventilating and her eyes fly open, looking around desperately.
The first, and the worst, of it… James.
Just the mention of his name and her heart skips a beat.
You did it for Silente…
She reminds herself this, trying to come to terms with what had happened. She had known what was going to happen when she said she would spend 24 hours with a sadist, one she considered worse than herself.
It didn’t change anything.
It didn’t matter she had been healed after it.
She laughs a cold, broken laugh.
The healing. What a joke. It didn’t make any difference. It didn’t change how she had been used, just an object, a toy, a plaything.
That would never go away. The pain and fear would never go away, even if her love blocked off most of it.
Speaking of her…
She closes her eyes, leaning back against the wall.
The event that only she remembers.
She had blocked it from Silente’s memory; it was causing her too much pain. But now she is left with the burden of the memories, trying to hide them from Silente.
How do you hide the brief feeling of terror when your love kisses you, seeing the time when she tore you apart, only keeping you alive so you can suffer more?
She didn’t blame her, she really, truly didn’t. But one’s subconscious is a powerful weapon, and it made it impossible for her to forget.
First an object, then a meal.
It wasn’t Silente. Not really. It was Erica, controlling her emotions, making her hate you.
She knows this, yet it is hard not to see Silente, tearing her apart, eating her organs and drinking her blood while she screamed, held against the tree…
The girl shudders again, hugging her knees tightly to her chest; she is trying, and failing, to hold back her tears.
That’s another thing she hadn’t done much of, before this. Now she had cried quite a lot, especially during the experiments.
This was her fault as well. She had recently come to the realization she was not just extremely sadistic, and psychopathic, but also a bit masochistic. When she and Silente were curious about how she would react to something, she would let Silente completely control her mind and make her think that event had actually happened or was happening.
They were mentally draining and almost ended with her in tears, but yet she kept offering to do them.
An object. A meal. An experiment.
That was what she was.
So. Much. Goddamn. Pain.
It would have been better if you had just not cared. Maybe killed her before you had.
That thought causes her more pain; she doesn’t know what she would do without Silente.
It’s not like you have been all that great to Silente.
That was true. She was so used to manipulating people, she had done the same to Silente multiple times, trying to get her to forget her morals.
She really did love Silente. So, so much… and while it had brought this crippling pain, it also brought such a feeling of joy and so many other wonderful feelings she couldn’t describe.
Again, she asks herself if it is all worth it.
That doesn’t matter.
She’s too far in to just quit.